Ranting Session

Good grief!! January started off so promising - I dropped down to 154 pounds by cutting out my coffee and sticking with the LiveFit Trainer (both food and workouts), then I hit a little bump in the road...okay, a big bump, and now I'm back up to 159 pounds like nothing happened. What happened?!? I know small details - battery in my food scale died so I haven't been weighing food, stopped logging my food because I didn't want to record the things I was eating, stopped going to the gym regularly and missed a ton of workouts and runs (last week I ran Sat and Sun and then nothing until this past Sat and Sun...then wondered why my legs were so sore all weekend).
My motivation just completely ran away from me (feel free to send it back in this direction if and when you see it). I was thinking that maybe the "pressure" of being in a weight loss competition was part of it. The stress to do well and eat right makes me want to just eat crap. Why?!
I'd really like to know how people stick with a routine and stay so positive the entire time. Lately all those positive posts and posters just make me want to slap someone or eat pizza or go to bed.
I really don't know what's wrong with me. It's affecting every thing. My mood. My weight. My skin. Sex. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! And it's driving me completely batty.
I went for my 8 mile long run on Saturday and I was SO proud of myself for the last 1.5 miles because I ran up not one, but two, hills (both of which I've had to walk part of before). I was so happy. Then I came home, showered, got dressed, and my jeans were super tight in the thighs. Stepped on the scale, and well, hello there 159. Haven't seen you in 3 weeks and was hoping to never see you again after hanging out with you for, oh, I don't know, 5 months or so.
Chris says, "don't let it bother you, you look great, and you're just building muscle." Fitness friends say, "you look awesome, don't focus on the scale." My mind says, "hey look at you fatty! Welcome back to where you've been struggling...knew you couldn't stay away (insert evil laugh)" Feeling fat and looking fat.
SO, how has my day today been going?! Here is an example of what I've been doing lately:
Wake up: 7am by screaming 2 year old who was not happy that Daddy came into his room instead of Mommy. Screaming child woke up cranky older sister who does not a morning child. Hubby went in late thanks to ice storm coming through the area. Decided that maybe I should eat something. Glanced at left over lemon cake that is sitting on counter from my son's 2nd birthday party then threw said cake out because I had 4 pieces yesterday (yes, yes I did).
Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/4 cup pumpkin, 1 Tbsp sugar-free hazelnut syrup, 1 Tbsp flax, pumpkin pie spice, large coffee with Natural Bliss Vanilla coffee creamer
OH - thank you Sis for bringing coffee creamer to my son's birthday party (not mad at you, mad at me for not being able to control myself) - I've had coffee 3 days in a row now. Proceeded to pour the rest of it out since I've been feeling like crap after drinking it (seriously, I've been feeling nausea and sick in my tummy after drinking it - took it as a sign that my body just doesn't want it...shame it took me 3 days).
Took my son and daughter to my son's 2 year check up. He's doing great - had to get a shot and blood drawn and didn't shed a tear (until they wrapped up his arm with that white sticky tape and he couldn't bend his arm).
Mid-morning Booster: 1 pink donut with sprinkles, small coffee with milk and sugar (Dunkin Donuts)
Special treat for kids for doing so well at the doctors. Decided to go inside and sit down with the kids. Ended up buying a box of 6 donuts because it was cheaper then buying just 3 donuts. Really enjoyed this time with my kiddos and don't regret the donut at all. 3 remaining donuts are for them and one for hubby.
Lunch: 1 wrap, 1 egg, 3 egg whites, 2 pieces turkey bacon, 2 spoonfuls salsa, 4 oz sweet potato with 6grams of honey, hot tea.
That's my morning so far. I've been mentally beating the crap out of myself for the way things have been going the past few weeks. It's all coming to a head which can only mean that I'm seeing the light and things will be turning around soon. I logged all my food in Sparkpeople (even the donut) AND I updated my weight (I haven't bothered up until this point since I figured it was just normal shifting of weight and I'd be back at 154 in a flash....since it's back at 159 AND my pants are fitting tighter might as well be honest with myself and enter the nitty-gritty). Not sure if I'll get to the gym today - kids area is closed until 4 and then Katelynn has dance at 530, so not enough time unless Chris watches the kids and I go to the gym. Guess we'll see.
Which leads me to my other dilemma. I'm not sure if I should be sticking with LiveFit Trainer. I haven't been able to stick with the program like I should. I've been focusing on my running and getting in the lifting when I can (which hasn't been often). Not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'll talk about it with Chris tonight and maybe between the two of us we can work out some type of schedule. Need to keep my runs since I've got a half marathon coming up. Guess we'll see how things go. Alright, end of rant. Carry on.